Friday, October 31, 2008
Sometimes
I feel so crazy today
I woke up to my face
It looks confused
I spend so much fucking time alone
I tripped on my rug
I laughed at some sad shit
I am obsessed with tea
I try to leave me alone
I try to better myself in my head
Trying is an honorable way of failing
That is what I heard
No echo
The thing about trouble is that it is never boring
Just scratching on the surface of things
Lost in space
I was able to call my Mom and tell her that I can be away from her
I have been crying
But there is still color in my eyes
I am capable of much more than survival
Find my rhythm in the madness
The gap between thoughts is fluffy
I almost love being alone more than being in love
But only almost
-B
Trick or Treat
I get to dress up and enjoy my imagination.
Being a child again with out any hesitation.
Believing in although never seeing the haunting nature of what's real or fake.
Everyone has their paws out ready to take on a tooth ache.
It is one day where we all get to pretend.
I get to laugh alongside my friends.
It rained tonight so the mood can take it's shape.
I want to fly from here with my invisible cape.
I stare at the moon as it shines bright.
It is ready to guide all of the souls tonight.
-B
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Everything is Better With Espresso
I can never forget who it is to be me. I am that with which I see.
My finger points directly to my heart. My mind is like a shopping cart.
Searching through different aisles. Going through my memory files.
I get to chose what I want to collect. It's the skipping record that plays out regret.
I try to keep myself satisfied. I try to keep this knot tied.
I usually do what lonely people do. Like going to the movies and staring at my food.
I look at the sun through the trees. I drift along with the generous breeze.
I dream about New York City. I feel like my scenery no longer fits me.
Anxiety sits in between my minutes. I hold my breath until I can forget it.
The fear feels like barbed wire in my veins.I remit control so I can return myself to sane.
Sometimes, it's better if I don't speak. I just keep writing so my sailing ship won't sink.
I am so used to being on my own. I have made a sanctuary out of my home.
I will be more careful of the illusions I see. I will learn to lose these feelings so I can just BE.
As pretty as a song this afternoon sings. No more interruptions from useless things.
-B
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Exist
I am the only one who has to deal with me
I am fond of most of MY shit
I come with A LOT of intensity
and ideas that just won't quit
It's just me and time
and there has been a flood
Exercising my ability to rhyme
Planting seeds in the mud
There is a lot that I like
I fucking love my place
I get to live like a bird
My freedom allows mistakes
A bit overzealous
too much for just one
I get dizzy when I try to balance
my feelings weigh a ton
Changing is my expertise
I offer so much
It's all about honesty
Using words that throw a punch
-B
I Wonder Where I Wander
The committed quitter keeps their hand on the trigger.
Raise your glass to sorrow and say goodbye.
Say hello to the things that make you cry.
Close this hole I am in, I somehow fell.
I fell asleep like a stone at the bottom of a well.
I've stayed way too long.
Anywhere else is where I belong.
All of these ghosts that I kick around.
They come to visit me when I am down.
My cup always turns into a bucket.
Once I begin is when I say FUCK IT.
There is no way to really explain.
All of the things that make me insane.
I was so certain about my own doubt.
But,no one has it all figured out.
I am not a victim of circumstance.
I created this with my own two hands.
I can sit in an alley where people desire to be clean.
They repeat your name and then you join their team.
I bet on myself that I can count the days.
I cut to the chase so I can call it a phase.
-B
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Visual Diet
With all of these pretty lies I don't know what to believe.
I get confused sometimes by what I see.
I have opinions and some fly out of my mouth.
I see so many pictures that offer me doubt.
Flaky folks make the room too crowded.
They tend to forget the conversations they started.
Cell phones have become a third limb.
Looking busy is another way to pretend.
There is so much that can grab my attention.
Image is the one thing everyone mentions.
I can scratch my head or I can turn it other way.
Drama is a game that I know how to play.
I try to face consciousness with a smile.
I task myself to do things in style.
I want to know what matters and stand next to a beautiful display.
My eyes have the freedom to leave or to stay.
-B
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Being
I ride and agree to be at the mercy of my feet.
I sit down on my perfect little seat.
I play my music and hear each song like it was the first time.
I forget where to go and breeze by the street signs.
I ride with the wind.
Motion can never pretend.
I notice something different every time I ride.
I sway through the intersections and carve my own divide.
I make the time to cruise through the streets.
I never notice if anything repeats.
I get ideas about spreading my magic.
It feels good to suddenly become erratic.
I can visit the beach and then paint a picture.
A drive by smile shows off my nature.
I park the wheels where I can see my rebellion.
My handle bars have become my companion.
-B
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Emotion Sickness
The waves got rough and they cut into my skin. I have to learn to trust the invisible map and begin. My boat rocks back and forth. It feels like I am on a sick angry horse. The wind whispers into my ear. My cloudy heart desires to be clear. There are so many stars and each one sheds light. I felt adrift in the sea of things but I learned to hold on tight.There are so many fishes and I am willing to wait. There are so many faces that belong to my fate. I throw my anchor and watch my fear sink. I will stay right here and get swallowed in the pink.
-B
Cheater
My hand stretched out as you reached for me. I didn't know you at all but there was familiarity. Your talent is a painting I've never seen the same thing. I was drawn to you just like a bell that rings.I found that there was someone else in your picture.A random ornament or a permanent fixture? You left that a mystery. I wondered about her and how much of it was history. I played the fool and choked on my heart. There was a tear in your teeth and your stories fell apart. I didn't have a clue on what to do. It was very tricky. I let you linger when I am usually very picky. I watched myself lean into this. This is a lesson that can't be missed. A man who sings a lovers song can create a beautiful melody but I can never sing along if it wasn't written for me.
-B
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tears
open your heart
create the space
lose your breath
let your bones shake
inhale the moment
go under
get wet
your eyes tell a story
you can never forget
-B
Faith
Here we are again.I see you as more than a friend. My eyes won't let go and my heart won't go slow. I kept the secret in a safe place.It was a beautiful hiding space but it was time to let it out.My whispers were ready to shout.Time to roll the dice. One chance and I can't think twice. I tried to make myself comfortable. The night was dangerous and I might fall but I was willing to go blind for a while. I have time for the extra mile. Music played in the background sticks to what I found. There was a twitch inside that made me nervous but the words I chose helped make it real for us. If you look closely you can see your room inside my heart. It was there right from the very start. My window used to be closed and dust covered most until there was you. I like everything you do. Not knowing where this could go helped me grow. Letting this happen was my greatest creation. Needing an answer was my limitation.
-B
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Crush
If you only knew exactly how I felt.
I would wrap my emotions around you like a belt.
This is honest and original.
Nothing blank you filled it all.
Your eyes gave me hope and I gave in.
Dreaming of you takes me places I have never been.
A desire so strong it can blow you over.
I get drunk off of you and I can't get sober.
My favorite color looks perfect on you.
My space is designing a room for two.
-B
Anemic
Where is the ladder and where do I stand? My pockets are empty so I fill them with sand.I get heavier and I go under. My eyes feel rain and my heart feels thunder. Sometimes I can separate. I put in the line between real and fake. I don't want to hide, I just want to feel. Then my secrets can be revealed. I want to share my stories with strangers. My creativity searches for the small favors. I want to grow and stop sleeping in the closet. I stare out the window because that is what I do to forget. I look through the glass so I can lose my need to feel the ground.I want to get high and forget how to get down. I want to make time so it doesn't make me. I want to run out of excuses so I can stop being lazy.
-B
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Puzzles
I try a little harder because I need to get farther. I need some attention. I am starving for affection.I make noise to get rid of the sound. I lose myself to see what I have found. I reach for what is far away. I want to leave so I can stay. I am too sensitive and too intense. I like myself less and less. I find being alone to be too much. Being a recluse has been my favorite crutch.I face myself so I can hide. I fake a smile even when I cry. Ideas tarnish way too soon. I plug my ears to hear my own tune. I wait until the end before I start. I put it together just to pull it apart. Trying to run when all I do is crawl. Having nothing makes me want it all.
-B
Love Letter
You are on my mind and I can't seem to wander.
My days are given to you and my hardened heart is tender.
I look for you in the dark when my eyes are closed.
I am crazy about you and everybody knows.
The weather you bring is perfect all of the time.
I wish I could hold you like you were a doll of mine.
This road will lead me to you and we will meet again.
I will carve your name into my skin.
Love will spill out of the sky and the stars will fall into our eyes.
The moment will be set on fire and we will never get tired.
I think about our world together and it sinks into my appetite.
I get stuck on the moon and get lost to the night.
Your hands make promises and your words hold me close.
Your face shines when I need it the most.
-B
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Splinters
I gave you me. I placed myself neatly for you at your feet.
You acted excited and you put on a dance. I liked you and I couldn't hide it.
I believed that we had a chance.
I consumed you with out ever knowing what you tasted like.
But then,I started to notice that you didn't feel right.
Half child and half man but I am looking for one who knows how to stand.
I can bury the disappointment inside me. I can blame you for your back.
I wanted you in front of me but your heart was not in tact.
I had to leave with a collage of bad memories.Like songs with no melodies.
Our hearts were not next in line. This will look different after enough time.
-B
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Birthdays
So much to collect.A long slow slide.
I never want to forget.There is never enough time.
I make a wish and wait until the desire catches on fire.
I look in the mirror to see if I look a little tired.
I am still youthful. I still shine bright.
I am kind to my body and I sleep well at night.
I live my future presently and I like what I have become.
I can't digest the fear and allow myself to come undone.
I am closer to getting over the hill but my hands are in the air.
I won't run away. I will stay in the middle of HERE.
There is always something to learn. There is always something to do.
There is always another year with a chance to feel brand new.
-B
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
October
Simple days filled with beauty and I am full of grace.
It so easy to smile and share some of my space.
A leaf falls and I hear the trees howl.
A bus flies by and and my night asks me to follow.
The sun sets and rises to seperate the day.
Each day I hug my mother and love is what I say.
The child I once was comes out to play.
I jump into a pile of leaves and ask the colors to stay.
Orange,brown,red,yellow,and green.
My favorite holiday will always be Halloween.
-B
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Stolen
The nights legs spread and stretch out of the black into my light.
There was a demand and a threat that could not be matched. He was so ready to fight.
He fed me fear and left me there to bleed.I was in shock and I couldn't breathe.
I had a bruised mind, a sore arm, but my faith was left untouched.
I had to walk home alone with my tears and my cuts.
I still feel his hands. I can still see his force.
He didn't get too far although we never found remorse.
The edge of death was so very close.
Even though I am luckier than most.
My screams came from underwater and terror sat beside me on this fast train.
I could never foget this when there are pictures on the wall of my brain.
The black uniforms were no longer bugs in coffee shops staring you down.
They had capes that evening just for being around.
The eyes of my world lost focus but somehow I made it home.
I should never be afraid just because I am alone.
Shadows
I let a little light in so I can cause a spark.
I got used to the rain and the dark.
I was scared to see what I would find.
Release my emotions they are no longer at the mercy of my mind.
I suddenly feel myself get warm,like an icicle dripping off the tree.
My shadow is on the wall, it is no longer in front of me.
The wind blows and swirls around my chest.
The air is clean I can fly from the nest.
I buried myself within the torment.
The moment is now there is no way to forget.
I serve myself kindness and ride this perpetual tide.
To see other is to believe in sides.
I was a spider in the attic. I got caught in a web of lies.
My hands got tangled. They covered my mouth and eyes.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Apple
A smile and a sentence lets you travel with her.
Nothing is right until she is sure.
A pretty flower that picked her own color.
Brave and beautiful, she is my mother.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Neighbor
Does anyone notice this man? With a bottle of Vodka he holds in his hand. I can smell him from a mile away. I can't help but to look. My eyes will not stray.
He wants to die and every day he tries. He has nothing to live for except his trips to the liquor store. His eyes are half closed and his lips are dry. He has no one to talk to except the cars that drive by. Scatterd hands tell him what to do. I hope his dreams can bring him somehere new.
Butterflies
As I lean against the wall. I saw something I have never seen.
I forgot to breathe. I felt like I was being squeezed.
I don't know how this happened to me. There he was.
The lights became brighter and my mouth had a tiny earthquake.
He made me forget. He made my core shake.
It is all clear. I let the fog disappear.
My cheer leaders bring the noise. The moment is mine.
I make the offer. Try not to trip over the line.
The conversation inside is louder than us. I stare at his mouth.
I can't give up. Leave no room for doubt.
Come get me. Let's go.
This is our song. There is no taking it slow.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Blog is a Series...stay tuned
Since I started this blog I have been taking notes- so ultimately, I can share them with anyone who stops by. I am watering this thing every day. I have been reading a lot. I have been writing a lot. I have been painting a lot. I know that I am bit of a loner. All artists create themselves in silence. I said to a friend the other night something like, "I live closer to the moon than the sun", which means I can't go to bed. The creative process is easier for me when the stars twinkle. I am cultivating this garden so I can stare back at my creations and admire my own work. If I can keep you engaged then I can keep slowing down to share. I have a lot of kinetic energy. The world I live in can be a little insane but I am pretty good at designing escape plans. I go out wandering through Los Angeles just so I know that I can get back home. I want to be present to moments as they pass. This blog helps me get behind my own ideas. I am aware that I look for distractions when I am bored. There is so much room for creation that how can I ever shake hands with bad habits? Being single allows me to invest in other relationships-like this blog.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Voices
My heart beats like a drum
scratching off the skin of what I've become
my eyes see in the stillness of the night
my history and my future are in a fight
my mouth is dry like sand
I could swallow a whole man
a hallucination from the starvation
dreaming of the face behind my own fate
I have conversations alone in my bed
in bondage to the junk inside my head
fell asleep with the television on again
I have become my own best friend
Kombucha
Kombucha is the Western name for sweetened tea or tisane that has been fermented using a macroscopic solid mass of microorganisms called a "kombucha colony," usually consisting principally of Acetobacter-species and yeast cultures. It has gained much popular support within many communities, mentioned by talk show hosts and celebrities. The increase in popularity can be seen by the many commercial brands coming onto the retail market. This is what Wikipedia tells me. I can tell you that I love this stuff. I instantly feel better after I drink it. I have to admit it is not for everyone. I tell the virgins not to smell it. I am in a committed relationship with this stuff.
-B
J. Krishnamurti
The book to read is On Love and Loneliness by J. Krishnamurti. I truly believe in using the mind and not getting used by it. It is a practice and only certain people can articulate matters beyond the intellect. He is one of them. I adore the human experience. A shift can happen in any moment. We can never lose anything that isn't ours. I task myself to be better each day. True happiness lives beyond the mind. Underneath everything is love. I know that I am capable of much more than survival. I love this book. You never know how much you know until you give it away.
-B
Studies in Love
I just started making abstract art. When it comes to life and art I can't paint with just one color. This is my poem about painting.
I had a little taste of love
a sneak peak
it lifted me up
the wind blew in my direction
the swerve tempted me to sway
my body depended on the rhythm
A beautiful thing to connect
the joy I carry with me
a charm around my neck
I watch myself
my behavior has a new flavor
the scenery behind my eyes is different
my own private movie begins
time passes but always feels new
so fucking precious
I want to live in between
I won't make plans
grey matter filled with black and white
I'll take this picture a thousand times
-B
Father Francis
Take a step outside to catch my breath
I feel sometimes like there is nothing left
Like the wind you pass through me
Your memory makes me feel free
Seasons come and seasons pass
Our time together went too fast
You worked hard to keep me alive
our standard of living was stuck on survive
You gave me six strings so we could hear my hands sing
At night when I didn't recognize you
I didn't know what to do
I opened myself up at the corner of my bed
With folded hand on my knees, I turned the volume down in my head
I am proud of this man
Even though a bottle was attached to his hand
Fifty six years with only one goodbye
Too late to save him
Too soon to die
I will move along but always stay close
Too soon to die
I will move along but always stay close
To a man I never see but I feel the most
-B
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